I laugh too often at things I don’t find funny
I laugh so that other people don’t feel uncomfortable, so they feel heard or important
Or just to save from awkward silence
but when I think of how many times I do it, daily, with strangers or mere acquaintances
it costs me so much energy
every smile is at least 17 muscles clenching in my face
for what? A moment of a strangers ego?
It’s exhausting

I’m exhausted from laughing at your story that went on far too long,
or your meanness or the sentence that I’m not quite sure I heard correctly
I’m exhausted from laughing at the unimpressive quirkiness of an opinion you have given to me, a stranger, that I never asked for

It’s too often, too draining, too repetitive, too boring

Because I’m so ready to laugh at things that are funny
I want to giggle
I don’t want to dilute the experience anymore

Laughter is much too delightful, the experience of a belly laugh is far too delicious
for me to keep wasting or misrepresenting or faking
I am tired of protecting egos over being truthful to my everyday experience

I have no desire to be rude
But I am tired. And I never signed up to your expectation of me
I don’t want to pretend to laugh at the joke you make about my new haircut, or the way I should expect attention because I wore active wear today
I don’t want to laugh at the story you have told me 3 times today because you think your stories are so important and your brain so uninspired that you don’t recall already telling it
I don’t want you taking up anymore of my time with forced laughter because me being a young woman makes you think your opinion is valuable to me

I live with a man who makes me laugh
daily
A man who makes me giggle in the morning and who makes me funnier in return
Like a loving humour transaction of frivolity and delight
It’s got to be one of the greatest earthly delights

Love + sex + red wine

So what am I doing throwing it around in a way that feelings like something is being taken away from me?

I am taking a vow of abstinence

If you want a laugh, earn it
with wit or humour or genuine quirkiness
Or learn what makes me tick and then you’ll get the giggle

But until then,
I will laugh only when it stirs and escapes from within me

And when you hear it, it will be so much sweeter